Don't be so hard on yourself! SO many things you enjoy- the feel of the earth, the sun on your neck and that fresh organically grown produce that is so much healthier for your body. We left to visit family for two weeks and when we returned to Maryland our vegetable garden was overgrown with weeds, looked a mess-- but it still produced a crop of cilantro, kohlrabi , tomatoes and cow peas. Still weeding but cooking and inspired by those nutritional gems. That sense of peace you write about is something you don't want to give up. Your garden sounds like a keeper.